XYZ

There are some things that you can’t really write about or in my case, blog about.

I’ve drafted several paragraphs only to highlight and hit the delete button afterwards. I’ve done it four times in a row that even Neo Gray here seems to protest with her keys ticking loudly as I begin anew. I had 4 unsuccessful attempts at boxing an array of conflicting emotions which has enveloped me for the past few days, and the failure to get the whole thinking process done only adds up to the looming devastation. I wanted to post it as a remembrance of the cruel times but my inability to put it into readable form betrays me.

Once I begin to re-process the words and phrases in my mind, the words begin to lose its luster and conveying power. It’s just not fair when words fall short, especially when you are caught in the middle of a dividing storm and dealing with “collateral damage” that are dear faces, friends actually.

Just the other day, I felt numb. At least today, I’m better. I now feel pain but my appetite to keep up the fight has not wavered. Any day is good and I will always remember that winning will not always be the end goal. Keeping one’s integrity is the wining theme.

Hello Ms. Grumpy!

I am angry, very angry. This emotion which I have successfully kept under control for the last 3 months has finally caught up with me, bursting at the seams, ignoring pleas to calm down by my reasonable conscience. It was triggered this morning when SRacer’s yaya neglected a regular duty which I have firmly reprimanded her for more than 10 times already. My anger exploded into tremendous proportions that after a slew of words between gritted teeth, my temper was still running high, I could feel my blood curl with the amount of chemical imbalance taking toll inside my body.

My fury even translated into crashing open our garage gate that irked Hubby, this gave me the sign to stop for I’m up to no good. As I plop down in the front seat beside him, I sighed deeply, trying hard to ease down my volatile temper into normal levels. I know this is not healthy, I read somewhere that when you’re terribly angry, your body reacts to the sudden surge of emotions and produces toxins which is flushed into the bloodstream affecting the whole bodily functions. This awareness did not even stop me from becoming upset again.

I have always been an angry person, I get easily irritated and patience has never been my strength. However after an hour of reflection, I took this weakness to heart and look for ways on how to deal with it squarely. More than the Yaya issue, I have a lot of dealings with in my surroundings – workplace, household, family,and friends’arena. I recognize that the more I try to control the variables of my primary and secondary circle, the more I cultivate grounds for frustration. I can only do much but I do not have the power to control anything that is fixed nor given (e.g. other’s attitudes, beliefs, etc). I resolve to be good to myself and not to punish myself with the shortcomings and inefficiency of others.

Like them, I am also a work in progress. I pray to the Lord for serenity, courage and wisdom. And yes for more courage to douse the raging bull that I am.

Photo: Angry Little Asian Girl by Lela Lee