For Molave

If there is a way I could do to stop your pain and suffering….

… a way to fight your battle, I’d take the cudgels

… a way to find what you’ve lost, I’d climb the mountains and  cross the seas

… a way to believe in happiness after the storm, I’d make the choice for you

But, I am not you. 

It is not my battle to win,

It is not my quest to claim,

It is not my silent storm to calm.

Only you can fight it.

If you’ve given up for yourself,
At least please do not give up for me,
If I cannot fight this war on your behalf, 
Then, let me fight it with you.
For I am your daughter after all,

The one you call “the strong one”,

Now, let me believe that this is still true. 

Image source:  hbcubuzz.com

Limitations

I feel like an orphan.   

Source:  Faruk Koksal

Recently, I underwent a major operation and felt scared in my life.  This is a rare case as I am reputed for my strong sense of independence since younger years and it confuses me why I feel this way.  I wanted my family close by but this did not happen. I just want to vent my sadness and disappointment on dear people I cannot rely on.  Dear people who fail you most of the time and won’t even take a chance or make an effort to be with you to tell you, in your face, that all will be well.  I guess, I over-rated myself in terms of importance for the nth time.

Life matters if...

A portrait of Woolf by Roger Fry

For quite some time, I’ve been dreaming living the life of Virginia Woolf, this is my secret.  I always wanted to spend my days in daze then in a second writing feverishly, if not, furiously.  I would just float away in my own world where I can just make it into my own, how it works, how it looks like, and how events would transpire and explain it in my own terms.  I fear of dying of boredom doing something that does not make me happy.  I understand, this is not how conventional wisdom flows.

Is this the life that I want for myself?  A life lived on other people’s expectations and daily rot.  My poor idealistic self is again staring at me, asking me “What do you live for?”  I have an automated response to this question, of course, for my kids, for my husband, my family, but never for myself.  I may sound selfish as I say this but I am very certain that I am not.   

First, we need to live for ourselves before we could go on conquering the world.  To attain that level of self-recognition, you must define yourself, aspirations, fears, and all.  Simply put, you need to know what makes you feel great, the type of feel-great that makes the hair at the back of your neck stand.  You need to pursue your passion, if you don’t know it yet, then you must take time to search it.  This is the essence of a life well lived.  One can only live for others unless she lives for herself first.  This is now my answer.

Image source:  http://artprints.leeds.gov.ukindex.cfm?event=catalogue.product&productID=110410