Whispered prayer

I choose to believe that I am going to hurdle whatever life throws at me. I know it’s going to be hard and sometimes painful but I choose to grit my teeth and go on. I believe that I am in the middle of a birthing process, tiring, arduous and excruciating, but there is something good coming out of it. I believe that this too shall pass.

I pray for more courage.

I pray for humility.

I pray for clarity of the mind.

I pray for other people’s kindness.

Most of all, I pray for the Lord’s healing hands.

What you don't know about me...

I am anti-social. I cringe at the thought that I would stand in the middle of a big party, sipping wine or fruit cocktail, making small talk, its just not my kind of thing. I rather spend my time in a bookstore browsing or in a corner café reading my favorite book and even my not so favorite book than attend some bash where I am compelled to brush elbows with strangers whom I pretend to remember their first names, though I’m quite sure I’m not alone with this predicament. I would also want to make myself clear that I do not have something against this type of large-scale socialization, my skin is just not made for it. I observed that every time there is a chance for me to hobnob, I experience a skin breakout and no amount of erythromycin could ease it. I realize I’m better stuck with Umberto Eco trying hard to digest his books than be left helpless in the middle of partying people. 

I am a stickler for discipline. I am the one who takes the long route to get to the pedestrian lane where I could safely cross the street (at least that is what I believe.) I can endure long lines in the grocery store and turn into Mrs. Hyde when a loser forces entry in the neatly lined maze of people. Deadlines for me are sacred, I adhere to it and ensure that everybody complies with it. However there is an exception, I bend the rules when it comes to my children to the point of spoiling them. This is surprising as I am inclined to give in easily to their wishes no matter how trivial and yes, sometimes unreasonable. Good thing, my husband who appears sweet and all, turned out to be the disciplinarian.  

I am sort of a “closet-queen” shoe-lover. I may appear like I don’t care about fashion nor don’t have anything to do with it as I can put on anything that comes out of my closet in a morning rush but I cannot do without shoes. I love shoes particularly flat shoes, ankle boots, wedge sandals and kitten heel pumps. I wear one pair then stuff another pair in my bag and keep another pair in my office drawer so I could easily change shoes when my mood changes as well. I wear flats when I am relaxed; heels or boots when I am up for a challenge; and sandals when I feel lazy to dress-up. Honestly, a new pair of shoes can only quell a hard day’s work and brooding frustrations for me. 

 

I love gardening. My father, the original green thumb, might laugh at this one but its true I discovered that I love planting vegetables in the backyard. The weekend we moved in to the Tango House, I planted some vegetables in a patch of soil and found it a stress reliever. This discovery has ignited my interest to pursue a grander planting program that would provide vegetable supply and fruits in the long-term.

I stopped drinking Coke for 3 months already. This is hard for me, I was a caffeine and sugar junkie since aged 7. If some people smoke or drink liquor to pass time, well my only vice is Coke. Then why did I stop? I did it for my health and peace of mind after I realized that I could not write without Coke’s sugar-induced energy boost. Writing is important to me and to associate it with my only vice is not good - it is terrible. As the good old saying goes, when you write make sure it comes from the heart (cheesy but true).

Bitchology

I got this "bitchology" from my friend and mentor Amherstia. While the use of the term "bitch" may seem extreme for others, the situations described below are real. They happen in everyday life.

People may call you names when they can't get you to agree with them but when one calls you a bitch out of frustration, they become the best sore loser in the world, Haha!

BITCHOLOGY

When I stand up for myself and my beliefs,

they call me a bitch.

When I stand up for those I love,

they call me a bitch.

When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts or

do things my own way, they call me a bitch.

Being a bitch means I won't compromise what's in my heart. It means I live my life MY way.

It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.
When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against it,

I am defined as a bitch.

The same thing happens when I take time for myself
instead of being everyone's maid,or

when I act a little selfish.

It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I "should” be.

I am outspoken, opinionated and determined. I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that! So try to stomp on me, just try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me. You won't succeed.

And if that makes me a bitch, so be it.

I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.

Murmurs (s2.)

Been doing a lot of murmurings lately, I call the 1st one “the bite” and the 2nd one “the 2 evils”, here goes:

I have fangs. I grew them while dealing with wicked people. I sharpened it through a number of scrapes and bruises against malign motives thrown by the stuck-up lot.

This is my best feature. I bite. I chew. I live. (Can also be read as: I live, I bite, I chew.) Provocation is not good for me because I don’t have the patience for people with bloated egos. I refer to patience as a single horse-hair strand to which the sword of Damocles is fastened, dangling from the ceiling above his head, threadlike yet sturdy, tough yet fragile. It’s amazing when you think about how two opposing characteristics could appear at the same time on a particular circumstance, though this is not always the case as one would supersede the other anytime soon.

*****

So what holds you back from expressing yourself?

I did an informal survey among friends and here are 3 general responses:

1. I might not say the right thing.
2. What will ______ think of me?
3. I might be misinterpreted.

While you may have a different answer from the ones cited above, it all boils down to fear of judgment. So the culprits are fear and judgment, these 2 evils are unnecessary and are of our own making. To have a healthy outlook in life, we must decide to face our fears since it is the only way for us to go. Oh well, I intend to keep my voice steady and heard in a sea of boisterous laughter and howls of despair.

“Fearlessness is facing what you fear with power.”

Image: Flash-screen.com

XYZ

There are some things that you can’t really write about or in my case, blog about.

I’ve drafted several paragraphs only to highlight and hit the delete button afterwards. I’ve done it four times in a row that even Neo Gray here seems to protest with her keys ticking loudly as I begin anew. I had 4 unsuccessful attempts at boxing an array of conflicting emotions which has enveloped me for the past few days, and the failure to get the whole thinking process done only adds up to the looming devastation. I wanted to post it as a remembrance of the cruel times but my inability to put it into readable form betrays me.

Once I begin to re-process the words and phrases in my mind, the words begin to lose its luster and conveying power. It’s just not fair when words fall short, especially when you are caught in the middle of a dividing storm and dealing with “collateral damage” that are dear faces, friends actually.

Just the other day, I felt numb. At least today, I’m better. I now feel pain but my appetite to keep up the fight has not wavered. Any day is good and I will always remember that winning will not always be the end goal. Keeping one’s integrity is the wining theme.

Indicators

There’s nothing like the experience of becoming a parent to your child. When I was single, I was totally clueless of the roller-coaster of emotions and challenges involved in parenting even though I heard a lot from DEWKS (dually-employed-with-kids) friends. I now share the old words of my Mom- “You will never understand until you became a parent yourself.”

What is with this life-transforming vocation that can really seep through you in time? I am amazed at how parenthood contributed a lot to my maturity, having newly-found the virtue called patience and the capacity to love and care spontaneously and selflessly. As Mommie to two precocious children aged 3 and 1, I’ve transformed from a “cool Mom wannabe” to someone who sincerely loves the job. The idea of changing my baby’s diaper in a public washroom used to intimidate me as a 1st time Mom, now I can only smile while looking back how far I’ve improved.

Much has been gained from being a parent and I can only say that I took the roller- coaster ride and enjoying it too. As an output of my reflection sessions, I’ve come up with some practical indicators related to parenting that tell if you are really into it:

1. You do crazy stuff just to give your kid an unforgettable experience
Keith is fascinated with toy trains. He loves his Thomas and Friends collection. He knows each and every character by color and body number. He scolds me when I mess up the identities of Gordon and Edward or Emily and Lady Thomas.

Inspired by the idea espouse by Bo Sanchez on nurturing a child’s passion, I’ve decided to take Keith to a train ride from Pedro Gil to Central Station and back via the LRT one busy afternoon. Keith enjoyed the ride and upon descending from the train, requested for another one. Without wasting a minute I bought another token and we took the Pedro Gil to EDSA route and I decided to transfer him to the MRT which is bigger and spacious. Cinders and ashes! (a Thomas expression), I was shocked to find EDSA station choking with passengers at 3 in the afternoon.

In spite of everything, my kid breeze through the throng, he was overwhelmed with the idea that he was actually in the middle a train station’s hustle and bustle. He looked up to me and said, “Mommie, it’s like Thomas’s Train Station!” We got off from the MRT at Shaw Blvd station and he has wearing his happy smile on.

2. You equip yourselves with knowledge to relate with your child

I and my husband always find time to watch our children’s brand of TV shows; I find Mr. Meaty amusing as I shared a good laugh with my kids on Parker and Josh’s outrageous ideas and behavior like the episode wherein they inventively transplanted a hotdog for a nose in a lady’s face. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse requires more interaction from its children viewers with my little Ysa performing the Hotdog Dance. Toy Story 1 & 2, Nemo, Shrek 1 & 2, and Monsters Inc have turned into my kid’s movie staples.

Keith & Ysa Banana's Top Picks

We read and re-read their big and little board books that include Peter Pan, Noah’s Ark, Tigger’s Bouncing Story, Toy Story (again), Baby Einstein books and Lampara bilingual books (English-Filipino). My kids never discriminate as long as stories are told animatedly and creatively; they even patronize the free story books that come with their milk.

Keith & Ysa Banana's Top Picks













Taking the extra mile, I even do internet research to gather relevant snippets on my children’s favorite characters, mall tours/live appearances, shows including lyrics of its TV theme series. Further, arming yourself with loads of information is essential especially when you buy toys for your kids. At least you could assert to Mr. Salesman that Racer X is different from Speed Racer. You could explain to a misinformed salesgirl that Elly in Pocoyo’s show is a girl and not a boy and that you are looking for a pink-colored elephant ballerina and not Lumpy, the violet colored elephant from Pooh’s tv series.


3. You do product testing on yourself as well as food tasting
How can you prove that a particular baby shampoo brand is really tear-free? There is no other way of finding out unless you try it on yourself. This sounds humorous but I really do. I try my kid’s shampoo, lotion, toothpaste and oil before I could actually convince myself of its worth. J&J though traditional is consistently good to my baby’s skin while I find Nivea and Huggies baby products too perfumey.

The same with food, both Keith & Ysa Banana are fond of eating fruit yoghurt. Thanks to my sister-in-law Leah, I got into the habit of giving my kids fruit yoghurt and cheese which not only taste good but are great sources of calcium. Moo and Yamoo are big favorites though I prefer the latter; not too sweet but with a milky flavor.



To be continued...



PS: Image sources will be properly cited.